Monday, October 12, 2009

I Gotta Stay Fly

Editor's Note: J-Crew Model didn't get (or apply?) for a column at the Law Weekly, so he's writing his column here(!) Here is a disclaimer of things that are wrong with it:
(1) Softball, feb club, and foxfield are awesome (in that order)
(2) None of the people he listed currently write columns for the Law Weekly

(3) Everything
Enjoy -- Rule 12(f)

Ok, so the Virginia Law Weekly has asked me to write a column because I’m a generally funny guy and the issues with 8 pages are so much better than those with 4. By the time Andy, Allen, and Jessica have turned in their columns, there’s only 2 pages left to go. And here’s where I – your guest columnist - come in.

At first I didn’t know what to write and I thought that maybe I could just talk about the word count for a couple sentences and that would take awhile (I need to get to 750 words – and not just little words either but words that take up a lot of space.). (Current word count = 117). Also, I get to put a picture of what somebody looks like, used to look like, or will look like in the future. In my dream world, I’d look like this person.

So let’s go through UVA Law-related topics and put them in list form along with some additional words I think are funny. If you don’t think I’m funny, make friends with Rule 12(f) and blast me on this blog. Or better yet (and more effective frankly because you're probably an idiot), do what everyone else does and ignore me. Anyway, what follows are some bold-faced headings about unrelated things (mandatory for Law Weekly columns because G-d forbid that the paragraphs have any relevance to one another).

Foxfield
– Get drunk wearing out-of-season clothing (“What I saw frat dudes at my ugrad wearing”) on a Sunday afternoon. Make sure you say some stuff like “I never even saw the horses.” These people are morons – the law school tents were literally next to the track. I could buy that you missed the dog race, but horses weigh some 1000 pounds and shake the ground when a group of them gallop by. Then again, maybe you only heard them while passed out next to the Dunk-n-chug station.

Softball – NGSL = TFC (look it up). UVA Law has its own super elite social scene and you all are just Nerds. You know those parking spots next to Copeley softball? NGSL senior members get those spots, not you losers who strike out on slow, under-hand pitches. And don’t bother asking where the softball dues go (answer = coolness). While we’re at it, let’s congratulate the members of NGSL for their athletic prowess and commitment to softball refereeing. (By the way, none of the above applies to you if I like you.)

Alcohol – I drink soooo much alcohol you guys don’t even know. One time I drank 25 beers just to show my boy I could do it. And they were different types of beer too. I even went to the Heineken brewery once and got totally wasted. Know what? You guys are pussies. Now Virginia Tech freshman Fratty McFraterson here knows how to do work. One look at that prestigious blue Lacoste and I knew that was someone I’d want to go to law school with.

Jobs – Anyone without a job or with a job with a firm outside V100 = not prestigious. Never-mind that the job interview process is vapid and silly. Here’s an interesting thought experiment – click through bios at your favorite V100 firm and see what areas of law attorneys practice. See how many words you know. Of the words you know, see if you can guess how one practices that kind of law. Hard, huh? Then come interview day, expect to answer questions about “innovative and market-based solutions to water-related and climate change issues, including cap-and-trade programs” and explain in detail why – based on your experience – you expect to practice in those areas. Here’s how my next interview with a firm is going to go.
Partner: Tell me why you think your skills of playing intercollegiate lacrosse and working at a pet store fit with our firm’s practices of securities and environmental litigation in front of state and federal courts?

J. Crew Model: Good question Mr. Partner. As you can see from my resume, I have no law firm experience, but I’m hoping to get some by working at a solid firm like yours in a location I grew up near. I’m curious though - at what point during your prestigious academic career at T.C. Williams School of Law (or do you prefer University of Richmond?) did you decide you wanted to practice in your particular area?

Partner: Hmm …. ummm …. yeah.

J. Crew Model: Thanks for your time. We’ll be in touch.
Feb Club – Forget for a second that NGSL runs this (see above) or that other schools have done this before and others do it currently. We all know that our Feb Club is the best and most prestigious and most fun. Where else are you going to have a party for the law school on a Tuesday? And if you didn’t make it because you were doing other things, there’s a helpful blog to show you how much fun you missed (a picture of someone dressed up like Tarzan is worth 1000 words). Here’s how to guarantee your sweet off-campus house with a painted beer pong table hosts a Feb Club party.
1. Make sure you don’t mind trashing your house. Checking with roommates/neighbors/landlords optional.
2. Throw around some ideas, including an inside joke or 5. Converses and knee high socks and headbands! Edward from Twilight and red wine!
3. Pick your theme as though you lived on a tropical island. This guarantees that your party will become an exercise in huddling together for warmth because "3 Easy Pieces" and "Tropical Dude Island" are such great theme ideas no matter what month it is. Remember people, February is only 4 months away from summer months and 4 rounds down to 0 so that means its summer.
Justincredible weighs in (because co-op columns – like co-op campaigns in Gears of War 2 – are very Virginia Law Weekly):
3Ls hooking up with 1Ls – Taking advantage of innocent and naïve 1Ls is awesome. Of course this isn’t high school (or even undergrad) and the school is filled with grown ass 25-30 year olds, but let’s pretend the stereotype of the upperclassman swooping up the nubile(!) underclassman is as rampant as ever.

IMAGINE: some older law students (not all – remember law school students are awkward and unattractive) are occasionally engaging in consensual sexual relations with other less old (but still old) law students. If you were serious about picking up the young and innocent, you’d be at Coupe’s creeping it around with me, or at least driving an ice cream truck.

Gunners are sooo lam
e – Not studying for law school is the coolest, and we should all like totally relax and just chill at UVA. Forgetting of course that:

(1) we are dropping 45k to come to this school and “not study” and
(2) you, yourself, are probably a gunner in some regard,

if you go above and beyond to write for a newspaper, belong to a journal/do moot court/government body/student group, you are gunning. Except instead of being totally lame and keeping your nose in a book (and getting a job), you are wasting time on stupid things that will have absolutely no positive impact on your future (except for memories of how much ass you kicked in law school). Everyone here is gunning for something: grades, friends, prestige, huge muscles, etc. Come see me get my swell on at the gym and I’ll show you a gunner (and blasted glutes).
Time to sum up. I sincerely love UVA Law and I know (KNOW) in my heart of hearts that this is the best law school in the country. (Did you guys also know I’m running for SBA to pad my resume despite the fact that no student government has ever done anything substantive? Ok, great.) I’ve had a blast every minute that wasn’t within 6 weeks of exams or since the economy tanked last October. Or since I figured out it was full of social climbing twats compensating for tragic character and/or physical flaws (Rule 12(f) won't let me list them). I sincerely care about each and every one of you, so long as I have a “better” job than you and you don’t park in my parking spot. Now for some sweet day drinking.

JCrewModel@uvalawblog.com

56 comments:

J. Crew Model said...

This is 100% jest.

Rule 12 (f) said...

Or IS it?

Anonymous said...

NGSL = TFC?

I looked it up: Team Fortress Classic. Sweet, a video game from the late 90s. Still cooler than the Texas Facilities Commission or Toccoa Falls College (featuring 30 credit hours of bible studies as part of every major!)

Anonymous said...

haha, this is funny cause its true. I hope all the 1Ls and 2Ls know that NGSL is only a social club, has nothing to do with softball. Too bad the profs never realize this. . .

Anonymous said...

Wait does UVa actually give NGSL free parking spots? Why in the world is our school wasting our tuition dollars on this group of degenerates and just how much does the school give them annually?

Anonymous said...

this is funny but sad at the same time because alot of it is true.

Anonymous said...

3:46 - yup, some people in NGSL get preferred spaces at the Copeley parking lot

Anonymous said...

10:51,

What is the reason for this? Are they at least paying for these spots? Given the scarcity of parking space at the law school, it seems absolutely ridiculous that a group which has nothing to do with academics and which tarnishes UVa's reputation as a law school is being given preferential treatment when it comes to parking.

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Rule 12 (f) said...

Language, people!

Aquila said...

I think it's important to note that at least UVA Law Weekly/NGSL columnists do not write/speak using acronyms that they ripped off of autoadmit... That particular stupid affectation is strictly reserved for UVA Law Bloggists.

Rule 12 (f) said...

titNcr, aquilia we have no idea what you are talking about.

Anonymous said...

Can nobody explain why the NGSL people are getting free preferential parking spaces from the school?

J. Crew Model said...

Aquila,

Which acronym in my column did I rip off autoadmit?

Anonymous said...

Probably because the NGSL manages and is responsible for the softball fields that those parking spaces are attached too? Seriously, stop whining over parking spaces. They're not getting them for free I'm sure. If you want a D2 pass then buy one at PILA and stop trashing an organization that organizes softball games. That doesn't "tarnish" our reputation of--point in fact--being a collegial and fun law school. Whiners who complain about PARKING SPOTS tarnish it.

Anonymous said...

3:46/12:43 - honestly, I have no idea. Seems ridiculous for anyone to suggest that organizing softball games necessitates parking close to Copeley.

Anonymous said...

Why does being in the SBA "necessitate" a D2 pass?

Anonymous said...

2:27 - it doesn't, but two wrongs don't make a right.

Anonymous said...

@1:00PM,

DESCRIBE the work-intensive management and care NGSL is responsible for. That field looks like shit. The clay is so scarce and hard-packed that you can't slide without tearing up your skin. Are you mowing that lawn every week? I tend to doubt it.

Please, oh hard-working NGSL-ites, tell me about all the time and effort you spend caring for that field that justifies your preferential treatment!

Anonymous said...

Sorry, I'm still laughing at the affectation that is Aquila's use of affectation.

Anonymous said...

2:35 - haha, they don't mow the field, UVA field maintenance takes care of that. You're lucky if the people from NGSL pull out a rake to smooth out the batter's boxes prior to a game.

It's a joke that they get parking spaces at Copeley.

Anonymous said...

OK - this is a flame, right - because the NGSL people dont really get copeley parking spots... right?

my main beef with ngsl is that it's this big, secretive deal as to how you get on, when membership should be open to anyone interested like other clubs.

Anonymous said...

Completely serious - some of them get spaces at Copeley.

Anonymous said...

3:19,

It's not secretive. If you're good looking and popular, you get in. If you're not, you don't. Questions?

Anonymous said...

Whaaaaaa.

-Not on NGSL and okay with that

Anonymous said...

why don't you reserve your outrage/bile/insults for worthwhile targets like bigoted profs?

- someone who could give a shit about NGSL overlords

Anonymous said...

They pay for the spots.

Douglas said...

We pay for the spots and we get no money from the school. We don't even get the spots through the law school. Get you facts straight before you make stupid conclusions. And stop posting anonymously - be a man/woman and put your name on it. Also, for someone who founded and was responsible for the name of the infamous "Varsity," it's pretty ironic that you wrote the column, Sante.

Things NGSL does, which it seems most of you want to ignore or don't care about:

- Donates $20,000+ per year to Children Youth & Family Services, a local charity - http://www.cyfs.org/

- Donates $3,000 per year to PILA, which is matched by another $3,000 by the Law School Foundation

- Is organizing a charity golf tournament for the sole benefit of the Human Rights Study Project

What the NGSL officers do:

- NGSL is incorporated as a 501(c)(4) non-profit organization, and the majority of our money is donated to charities.

- We organize the Fall and Spring softball seasons/playoffs

- We organize the Spring Invitational Tournament

- We organize the 1L Tournament

- We organize the Dandelion Parade

For not having anything to do with softball, that seems like a lot of softball related events...

And hate on it all you want - I'm betting a lot of people's best memories are from some of the events that NGSL organizes and which the members VOLUNTEER their time to help run. I can't tell you how much time and effort the officers of NGSL put in to run all of these events. We all appreciate the people who marginalize it - "DESCRIBE the work intensive management and care NGSL is responsible for" -

As far as Copeley Field, there is only so much we can do - we are not professional groundskeepers, we don't have a gator (because we give most of our money to charity, remember?), and it's a bad field to begin with - but it's the original field, and we feel like tradition matters, so we still play on it - probably still doesn't make sense to some of you and you'll still complain, judas.

NGSL may have been real fratty and full of a bunch of d-bags in the past, but we've done our best to change that perception and make softball more inclusive and fun for everyone at UVA Law. I'm glad everyone has noticed the effort we've put in to that end (read: sarcasm).

As I said before, if anyone has any problems with NGSL or our parking spaces, quit posting anonymously like a coward - call me - 434.825.1830 or email me - dougbouton@gmail.com - and I'll respond to and address any and all concerns you have. The simple fact is I'm betting the people with problems probably don't have their facts straight and draw ridiculous conclusions.

Toodles

Anonymous said...

chill out douglas. sounds like you have a sensitive side bro.

toodles

Mario said...

Or maybe there's just too many whiners at this school who complain/moan/etc. over the most trivial of things. Parking spaces? Really? Really. The walk is about as far as the D3 walk.

Anonymous said...

the guy had a right to be pissed, whining about parking spots uptight, and i had no idea those softball goons did so much.

sounds like some jock-nerd tensions, which is some high-school sh** ... but law school is high-school, apparently.

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
jtavery said...

donating money to charity does not make this organization any less exclusive - which is the real issue here; it sucks that so much of life at the law school runs through an organization with a goofy secret society vibe.

Anonymous said...

i heard that some SBA people get perks for all the work they do too. OMG and they also get PARKING SPACES!!!! someone call the campus police! injustice, injustice!

you people are pathetic. i'm not a member of ngsl, but i'm certain it enhances most people's experiences here at uva law. sure, some of the umps could be better at umping the games, but they organize all the games and clearly put in a lot of work to benefit the law school. grow up, children.

Anonymous said...

Maybe my reading comprehension isn't that great, but I read this blog post as making fun of the UVa Law Weekly, not the NGSL.

I do agree that the "I got so drunk at Foxfield and hooked up and drunk and beers and UVA is fun fun fun!!!" columns are getting a little old.

Something about anonymity and being in law school turns otherwise reasonable people into complete assholes.

Anonymous said...

And let's not forget the PA program. The "secret" process for getting into that "society" needs to be exposed. Members may not get parking spaces, but they do get free 1L hookups. And free pizza sometimes, too.

Unfair. Someone please explain why they are allowed to do this. I want my mommy. :(

Anonymous said...

Doug,

NGSL sounds like a nice organization that does a lot of good for the community. The parking spaces are also a nice perk. What do I need to do to join your organization?

Anonymous said...

This is hilarious. A flame war over whether a law school softball fraternity is too "fratty" and exclusive ...
How old are you people?

Anonymous said...

The fact that law blogs get people fired up cracks me up.Let's go back to old fashion burn books and nasty notes in lockers- that was so much more fun.

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous said...

Dear DOUG (434.825.1830 and dougbouton@gmail.com),

The real issue seemse clear? How does one join NGSL?

Every other community service organization at the law school you just SIGN UP. And for officers/exec board they look at things like PILA hours or prior community service organizations. Which of these does PILA look at?

It is clear based on recent selections that softball (skills or even ever playing) is totally unrelated to the membership. As is community service activity -- so what is it that the board, which you are part of, looks at?

You have pointed out, accurately, that NGSL prides itself on taking a KEY role in the law school community. And it is a leadership role, and is often a very well done. So HOW are these people selected?

Please explain and I think about 80% of the posters here would be satisfied . . .

Anonymous said...

my god the admissions office needs to let in less 22-year olds.

Anonymous said...

fewer 22-year olds, i mean

Anonymous said...

dear doug: if NGSL is such a great organization, why not allow everyone to be a part of it? maybe if you opened it up to everyone, the board members could delegate some of the time-intensive activities you describe.

tradition does not necessitate exclusivity.

Anonymous said...

This thread is an example of why people think UVA is full of douchebags.

Anonymous said...

2:09,

Agreed. The ridiculous frat mentality that pervades through the law school would be greatly reduced if we had less students who were admitted straight from undergrad.

As for those 25 years of age and older who insist upon treating law school as if it were college and not a professional school, only admissions interviews can help weed those types out.

Anonymous said...

3:31 is an example of why people think UVA is full of douchebags.

Anonymous said...

Doug, thanks for response.

I think you responded to some points well, but the biggest thing that you ignore is secretive vibe of NGSL - why isn't membership open to everyone? What about kids who really like softball and really want to help out?

-(Not a previous commenter on this thread)

Anonymous said...

Maybe it's not open to everyone because it's not intended to be open to everyone? The people that desperately want to be on NGSL are probably already on NGSL and the people who don't probably aren't. When did we become so pissed off about organizations enjoying a little bit of secrecy and camaraderie?

Anonymous said...

1:41,

I think the exclusivity is fine except for the fact NGSL receives benefits from the university/law school. Benefits the university/law school pays for with our tuition dollars. If my tuition dollars are going to support a school-related organization, then I think it should be open to people who want to join and are able to meet any non-arbitrary qualifications the organization sets for its new members.

Anonymous said...

response from douglas:

(silence)

Anonymous said...

North Grounds Softball League does not take any money from the law school. The PA program and SBA do. Both of them are exclusive.

All of you, Douglas + Anonymous + whoever else, stop arguing on blogs and get a life.

Anonymous said...

12:38:

Office space, use of the softball fields and parking spaces, while not money are still university resources.

Anonymous said...

LOL at the "nerd-jock" tensions! First off, the "coolest" law school student is a huge dork in the population at large, so all the "cool" people at NGSL might as well enjoy it while they can. NGSL is their version of "skull and bones" -- they couldn't get into Yale or any REAL exclusive club in college, so NGSL is all they have.

Second,let me know how being a "jock" goes for you during OGI or when you start working. It's insane that these high school nerd-jock issues are still prevalent in a top 10 law school. Fortunately, the recession will likely eradicate them soon enough.

Anonymous said...

people cooler than NGSL: http://www.thepittsburghchannel.com/news/21332352/detail.html

Anonymous said...

Response from Douglas:

(crickets)